You must be going through hell Steiner, did not realise you were in so much pain, i'm sorry to hear about your meds abuse, please try not to do this. It doesn't make you feel any better, worse for doing it that's for sure.

I have found that one way to deal with such issues is to try and keep your body healthy, i'm not sure if you can go outside or not, but I have started again recently, and have been walking, swimming etc, with meds. And this has helped. Perhaps try to take a leap of faith with it, I did and feel much better x