Hi, sh50. The above rang a bell with me. I use to be extremely anxious all the time, especially socially, but noticed when I was the one in charge I stepped up to the plate and would show those younger/even more unsure of themselves that things were easy/all right. I would go up to the stranger and ask the question, no problem, etc. :-)

Don't know if there is a word for what we are describing. For me, "fatalism" comes to mind. When I am a 12 on a scale of 1-10 I often just make myself give up and sort of start over, things cannot get any worse? I might as well just realize I am going to bomb/fail/have a hard time, whatever. In your examples it sounds like you come up against someone "better" than you are at something and you feel you cannot hope to compete so you just go passive?

I think it is an attitude thing. There is no competition, despite what the other person might imply or what we see looking at the situation. No, you cannot become as good a tennis player as the other person in this game, right now, but you could, if you wanted to (and you probably do not have that much interest?) practice improving your game, have the other person help you with his play instead of compete against you, etc.

The wife/friend of wife thing is similar only the friend of the wife is naturally more relaxed than your wife perhaps and her relaxation and love of fun, imagination, good humor and various similar traits communicates itself to you. My husband was married when I met and started working with him and he and I hit it off in that way. We have similar backgrounds, senses of humor, and he is very laid back so even my sarcasm/occasional ugly moods do not give rise to difficulties between us. I was telling my therapist how his attitude helps me sometimes with some of his teasing -- if I get excited and my words get all jumbled up and he cannot understand me he will say things like "I don't hear any nouns!" and that will get me to stop, think about what I want to say, and slow down. My therapist was impressed I did not get offended and asked if she could "borrow" some of his tactics

My husband and I get along (married 25 years this September) so well because we let the other person be who they are. My husband is bald, 150 pounds overweight and smokes (and just belched :-) I can neither dress him up (hard to find clothes to fit him and he does not wish to wear anything very dressy, no coat, tie, etc.) nor take him out When we were at a formal dinner (linen tablecloth, silver, the whole 9 yards) he took the cloth napkin and tucked it into his belt and then rearranged the silverware to his liking. We were eating in the "European" fashion, salad after the meal, but he does not know a salad fork from a dessert fork and wants his salad only at the beginning, refused it when it was served -- this was at my maternal uncle's home on our honeymoon and my aunt and uncle had given us a very generous check for our wedding present. Talk about impressing family with my choice of husband, LOL!

I supposed, if you wanted to you could try to teach your wife to "play". There's a lot of conversation in play, it does not sound like you and your wife have enjoyable conversations about your selves and what you want together, tease each other, etc.? My husband and I sit and work (we're retired) here at home less than 10 feet apart but still, we send each other emails, read aloud from our computers/projects when something funny/interesting comes up, we "share" things. Do you and your wife do chores together? Next time you are in the car riding together, share some of your thoughts about what you see, what "happens" on the drive, some of your "odd" thoughts. Ask her opinion on all the closed stores in "that" shopping center you pass, ask her what kind of store she would open there if she were going to, how she would improve the neighborhood, get stores going again, what she thinks of the gaily painted metal umbrellas on the outdoor furniture at the car wash, doesn't that look like it should be an amusement park of some kind?

For me, it all boils down to what I want. Do you want to get better at tennis? Not particularly But maybe you want to get good enough to at least play with this partner more often, given them a run for their money? That would require a plan/practice with them, wanting something other than the surface 2-people-make-appointment-to-play-tennis "checkbox" sort of life. Life is not supposed to be a to-do list. Wife better at planning? Have wife plan when vacationing together. Show your vulnerability and ask her to teach you to be better organized? My husband asked me to teach him about meat at the grocery store, how to choose/buy it, he hadn't a clue. Next time we went to the store (Do you grocery shop together? Why not? Do some things you do not know how/are uninteresting/boring to you -- it's probably uninteresting/boring to your wife too but "chores" have to be done, much better when done together/is shared -- ask your wife if she wants to go along next time you go for a car repair/oil change?) at the meat counter I started showing him different kinds and cuts of meat (his ex-wife only fed him chicken apparently and he doesn't even like chicken :-) and telling him what they were used for, what dish they "made" but a minute and a half into my explanation, he was already lost and anxious and did a "never mind, it is too confusing for me, how about I just let you continue to do the meat buying?" and we still laugh about that -- it had been his idea. I'm left handed and he does the dish washing chore to my cooking trade off. I complained that the utensil/silverware drawer was set up for a right handed person and when I occasionally unload the dishwasher, it is harder for me to put the utensils away because they are "backwards". One day to surprise me he turned everything in the drawer around only confessed/told me about it later that evening because I never got to see it as he couldn't cope with it being backwards for him! LOL He practices seeing things from my perspective and does not mind being vulnerable because he cannot do them as well or does not feel badly about himself because he does not want to learn to do them. He acknowledges me and what I am doing, is aware of it personally, does not take the little things for granted. Maybe that is what you want to practice doing?