I started feeling dissociated at 14 and I really don't know why. I don't understand it. I don't understand why so many people (as adolescents) integrate the many facets of their life while others have extreme trouble integrating facets of their personality. Only event that changed for me at 14 was that I got braces and became very self-conscious for the first time and stopped smiling. (But I thought I handled the whole thing fairly well and got over it quickly.) Puberty also happened at that age. I discussed this with my PDOC, we talked about the braces thing but he didn't put emphasis on anything.

I felt (and still do) that I'm not there, that I'm experiencing everything from outside of my body and (can't relate these experiences to myself). At other (scarce) moments I can relate to experiences and I feel "normal" and connected to myself. It's very strange and scary and it makes you totally dysfunctional. (I also have a mood disorder which completely complicates things. I have had a very small number of meds over last 28 yrs which have improved my situation but never lasted long.) I have no idea what to do.

Any books anyone can suggest? I have read some online articles about integration of normal and dissociative personalities. I mean everyone runs into the problem of integrating the infinite number of facets of themselves (as they are growing up) but I don't get it.