This is going to be fairly long so stick with me

Short version: Pursued dream, didn't work, affected me very negatively

Long version:

When I got out of highschool I was your typical shy geek with a handful of friends. I was a pretty nice guy though

Now, my passion always was videogames. I had one dream in life and it was to become a pro player, to play on stage and make myself a name. that kinda stuff

Fast foward 2 years or so, and I actually had a good shot at it. I played a lot of videogames during my cegep years and I had gotten VERY good at them. One game in particular picked my interest, League of Legends. A strategy team game to keep it simple

So I tried and tried. I joined a whole bunch of teams, played with a whole bunch of people while playing in small local tournaments. I definitely stood out a lot and people approached me constantly to gauge me and have me in their teams

After a while, I finally got on a team that wanted to go for more than just the local stuff. At this point LoL (I'll call League of Legends "LoL" to make it shorter) became my job and I didn't signup for another semester at the cegep. It was my full time job. Mother was fine with it.

So we played a lot. We got a lot better. That wasn't for fun anymore, that was to pursue my dream

I have to explain how getting into the competitive scene of LoL works before going on with my story:

There's a big league called the LCS and this is where all happens. There is a finite number of teams in here and every 6 months there are groupstages and some have to leave, and new ones take their spots

Why the LCS is such a big deal is because when you're in here, you have a salary and you are constantly playing on stage. You will make a good amount of money and you will get fame. For anyone who wants to get into competitive LoL, this is the ONLY way to do it. You get in here or you forever stay in the "amateur" scene (aka no salary, small events, small coverage, no interviews, etc.)

So, we got good then a sponsor approached us. Here was the deal: We would all move to california in a house he'd rent us (For more efficient practice and time managing, having everyone on the same schedule). He would lend us computers to practice on and EVERYTHING would be paid. In exchange, they would sponsor us and we would do our best to get into the LCS

So we all moved in here. And it was hard. We practiced a lot, had all the drama you'd expect in a team but stuck together.

Fast foward a few months, we did a bunch of practice and tournaments, got through most of the groupstages, and now its time for the big match to get into the LCS

So we fly here and we play our games. a best of five. Playing on the big stage (wasn't the first time, but still pretty stressful). We win our first game, but lose three times in a row after. They were just a better team

After this not too much to say. Everyone was disapointed and we all got sent back home

Now this is where it goes downhill, and where my problem begins.

It was hard to get over it. like, really hard. But I finally got over it after a few months. But I was definitively so down that I would do nothing. I wouldn't say exactly a depression, but definitely on the edge of it. Cried constantly too. Quit the game cold turkey aswell

Now I'm better and going back at school this autumn, but I don't like what I've become. I'm jaded. I'm a depleasant person. Everyone and everything that isn't my family pisses me off. I feel like a complete **** who failed every single one of his fans and I just don't care about things anymore. I laugh at people, play devils advocate constantly, do things to piss people off. It makes me feel good and I don't feel guilty or bad about it

I was never a social butterfly but now its at its worst. I cannot talk with strangers, it pisses me off. I would rather be home and stare at a wall than talk with people. I even got myself a handheld for when school begins because I don't want to talk with others. Its not because it makes me anxious, it's because people piss me off. I don't know how to explain it better

I have one or two passions but I'm seriously considering getting a lazy job, quitting my girlfriend and living alone for the rest of my life. I dont want to interact with others more than once per month and I already have the internet for that

I'm not considering suicide because I'm not dumb. Don't worry about that

After all that though, and writting it all, I'm starting to ask myself if failing to pursue my dream just left too big of an impact. I realize everything I do is to numb my mind, and i feel extremely bad when I have nothing to do or think about. I dread showers because of this

It felt good to type out all this I have to admit

Do you think I should seek out a therapist? Do you think I might just be depressed and not realize it? I feel bad after seeking out one because I feel like my issues are literally nothing compared to what some people endure