Withit...I had to chuckle at your twice a week suggestion, not because it is a bad suggestion.....but because my insurance is trying to get me to do the exact opposite....cut back to like once a month. i have been with Judy for 3 years and they don't care for it.

If I had tons of money, twice a week may be a possibility. And part of me wouldn't hate seeing her twice a week. Phone calls just upset me for some reason. the majority of the time when I talk to Judy on the phone in between sessions...I just end up more frustrated. (Maybe it is 'cause I always have a sense that people have better things to do and expect she would have better things to do....and phone call therapy feels like "drive-thru or fast-food therapy". )

Also, seeing that I'm taking a break from her and feel myself becoming complacent about how my life is now....it is also becoming difficult to see a deep desire to return to therapy at all.

Part of me says..."Whoa! You are getting complacent. Alert! Alert!" Then the rest of me gives that first part of me a funny look and says, "What are you getting excited about? It isn't that big of deal whether we go to therapy or not."

alexandra, thanks for your comments. i think part of me knows that this thing will develop with any "good" therapist. I have at times told her blankly that I am "in love" with her. (Though some people have told me I don't love her and i'm obsessing. I think i can agree I'm not "in-love" with her...how can I be? But "love" her? I guess the Christian upbringing has instilled the notion that we are supposed to "love" everyone. I'm not sure what love is anymore. The Catholic Church I'm a part of has made it difficult in recent years to think their view of love is credible...but that is a whole other topic.)

Actually...and don't think this is crazy....I made a process out of it (in and out of therapy) and prepared what i wanted to tell and gave her some props that when along with the expression of my feelings. Before I started the exercise, I told her bluntly I thought it was just to see that I wouldn't be hurt and that she wouldn't leave. I was as "melodramatic and over the top" as possible. Basically I said, "I love you and, if you will have me, I express my intent that some day you and I will be wedded." This is the craziest part (and I can't believe I'm mentioning this part of the therapy exercise) I went to Victoria's Secret the day before and picked up some bikini bottoms. I gave that to her. I told her afterward, I was thinking of perhaps of just getting some lotion from Body and Bathworks....but we both agreed that wouldn't have served the purpose of being deliberately over the top.

So she knows my feelings are strong and she has stayed. But perhaps I have downplayed them so much since then..because a few months after that exercise I was telling her I wasn't feeling much for her anymore...that I have been denying it and have reverted to it being scary and stressful to bring it up again. I mean, when I was preparing for this current break from therapy, I remember specifically telling myself that I was "taking a break from therapy" NOT "taking a break from Judy." But now it feels like I need to admit part of feels like I did need a break from Judy."

Oh well. I am truly becoming complacent away from her.