I DON'T have Autism or Aspergers!

I have been friends with a boy with high functioning Autism for about a year now. I had no idea that he was autistic for a long time. We used to hang out in town and sit by each other at lunch. He was funny and it was nice talking to him. Let's call him X.

I didn't get to know him on a personal level until about the past two months. I've been going through a lot emotionally. I went to him for advice. A lot of my problems, at first, revolved around the fact that I can't feel anything for anybody. No crushes or anything like that. I used to get a new crush every week, I hadn't felt any thing for anybody in months. Also, caring for my family and friends diminished too.

Anyway, he told me about his Autism and gave me advice on my problems. I thought that I had a crush on him. I was so desperate to feel, and I just really thought that I liked him. I told him, and he was pretty sure that he liked me back. He said that his Autism causes him to doubt a lot of things though.

I went to a park with X and we talked a little. We had spent a few weeks communicating just online because he was out of the country. It was very nice talking to him and I wanted to see him again.

Seeing X in the park was the first time I left the house in a LONG TIME. He was the first person I'd seen in weeks.

But then, a few days later, I went to see the fireworks in my town. I was with X and about six other friends. We stopped at this little hang out spot, and he started a game of pool. I really didn't want to play pool, so a few of the people in the group stayed and a few left. I left, without X. I didn't think much of it. I had been having a good time, and didn't really think much of leaving him behind. I still cared about him. This was like 7:30.

At around 9, the fireworks were about to begin. I was laying about 4 blocks away from the hang out spot on a blanket by the river. I was with a really cute boy, and my best friend. My friend, we'll call him R, got a text from X. X wanted to know where we were. R doesn't like X and didn't want him there. But.. I kind of realized, I didn't want X there either...

I would rather be cuddled up next to a hot boy than being weighed down by X. I felt so bad.. why was I feeling like this? Isn't that shallow?

At the end of the fireworks, X finally found us laying by the river and said, "Thanks for ditching me," and walked away.

He texted me frantically that night, he was very hurt.

Then I realized I didn't have feelings for him. I was just really confused, and he was the only person I had been talking to.

I was the only girl that has ever "liked" X. He's never even held a girl's hand. Now he constantly messages me. I really.. don't ever feel like answering. It's bothersome. I told him that I just care about him, it's not so much "liking" and he understands that.

But he still constantly talks to me. He's not a bad guy.. he's a good person.. but I feel like he's really attached to me and it makes me uncomfortable.

I feel like I brought it all on myself.. I thought I liked him! I really did.. but turns out, I don't.

I don't want to hurt him, but I really don't know what I could do or say. I would prefer if I felt normal talking to him, but I don't. I always feel uncomfortable. He always wants to Skype or Snap Chat and I always make up an excuse.

I feel like such a bad person..

I don't know what to do or why I feel so uncomfortable by his friendship..