I had an appointment with my therapist a little over a week ago. The appointment before that we discussed me doing EMDR to work on an issue I have with being intimate with my husband.

So I went into the appointment feeling happy to see her but decided I wasn't interested in doing EMDR. I was feeling good and wanted a break. I also just had surgery and need to focus on my physical health at the moment. She let me out of the appointment 10 minutes early and said I looked happy. She also asked how my relationship was with my husband and I said fine. She also asked me if there was anything I wanted to work on and I told her yes but not today (EMDR). She asked if I wanted to set up another appointment or wait till I'm ready and I'll call. I told her I would call.

Since then my anxiety is up. I saw my psychiatrist and told him I'm taking a break from my therapist. Today I talked to my psychiatrist and asked if I could talk to him for counseling. He asked me "why not talk to your therapist?"

After a long pause I told him I don't think she can help me. He asked me if I have said that to her and I said no. He asked me "why not?" "What do you think she'll say?" I told him I don't know. I don't think she would do anything like refuse to see me per se but in my mind it feels that way.
My Psychiatrist then told me I need to tell that to her. That's part of therapy

I hate that I need help. and I don't know if she can really help me. I want to hate her. I feel weak if I contact her and ask for another appointment. I feel like I've been on this Merry Go Round that never stops. I've been seeing this therapist for over 5 years. I feel like she's sick of me. I'm holding onto so much shame.

I feel more confused than ever. It's easier for me to hate her than need her.