Hi

I've been struggling a lot lately. Lately I've lost my interest in life. Before my depression just caused me to feel (fairly extreme) sadness and despair, but I still had my moments of joy. I felt happiness when I spent time with my nephew or did something with my friends. Yesterday I was walking with my family and our family friends (we are very close) and the weather was great and I was pretty much in my favorite place in the world. Instead of happiness I just felt sadness and just emptiness. I felt like I just didn't belong in that moment. Of course I made my best effort to fake a smile and appear happy. When I got home i just went into the bathroom and burst into tears for no reason at all..

That general loss of interest is apparent in pretty much every action I do. I have 20 unanswered calls from my friends. I just felt like it was too exhausting to pick up the phone and make an excuse why I could't see them. Night when I'm alone are the worst.. Last night i was standing in the kitchen and all i could think of was ''There is a set of steak knives in the kitchen cabinet. I'm so dumb and ugly i should just end it all..''. I've had a lot of intrusive thoughts.. I don't think I'm really hearing voices though, because i know those voices inside my head aren't real and they are just my thoughts.. But the things they say sometimes seems very true...

I really don't know what to do. My t/pdoc is on holiday till the 25th and my family isn't even remotely helpful when it comes to dealing with depression.