I saw my therapist today. He's been away for the past 2 months, so it had been a while since I'd seen him. Talking to him helps me feel more connected to myself and the things that are important to me, but it also makes me question and second guess a lot of things in my life. I know what kind of a life I want, and I know what kind of a life I have now, and there is so much separating them. Every time I see him I want to stop my meds and live more spontaneously and be more free. He makes me feel like that is possible, and I want it so much. My pdoc doesn't think I will ever get there, and a waiver between my T and believing my pdoc. My T says I should wait until next year when my work monitoring is over, and then he will connect me to a homeopath who can help me come off meds. But even he thinks I should wait and not do it now, and he is pretty against meds generally. I know I talk about the same thing on here a lot, so I appologize for taking up so much space. I know that I need to be compliant right now, and I am, but I really miss the energy and chaos I used to have. I'm stable, but things seem so boring now. I would rather feel intensely bad than feel nothing intensely at all - and it's the feeling nothing that is really getting to me. It's fear that keeps me on my meds, because I'm afraid of getting really sick and destroying my life again. But I don't want to do things out of fear. I want to take more risks.