I completely understand. my bf has stuck by my side through these 2 years. I've pushed him away and he just sticks by me. I've said many times he deserves so much better than me. he is such an amazing guy. I do the same thing with friends too. I stay to myself and push them away. I think part if it is not wanting to hurt them but also not wanting to hurt myself in the case that they end up leaving ne in the end. sometimes I just feel like a danger to society or something. but I'm so thankful for my bf and for my close friends that have stuck by me.