LT and others of the Survivor Thread

My PDOC and I went into a lot of depth dealing my my identity as a "VICTIM". She wanted me to examine whether I could live without feeling I was a victim and more. If somehow (and we never defined how) I could get over the victim nature of my existence, how would i live. I found that to be deprived of my victim status, scared the crap out of me. To somehow have that removed from me, to have some court say from on high "here is X number of dollars, you are NO LONGER A VICTIM", that was so scary as to be unimaginable even in the abstract.

Being a victim is so much a part of who and what I am, to take that away is to invalidate my life to date. That was what I said. We looked at it in detail. What does holding onto the role of victim bring me? What is the payoff for being a victim? (Please note these are perceptions, not necessarily my real values or thoughts).

1. I can 'blame' my behavior, (bad) on my having been a victim.
2. I can walk around with a sense of entitlement because the system failed me.
3. I I deserve special consideration, special privileges and special advantages because of being a victim.
4. I don't have to achieve anything, I am a victim
5. I am defined as a survivor, which means I was a victim.

Then we looked at what I would gain if I gave up my role as victim.

1. I would have to 'own' my behavior on it's own terms...
2. I would have no more sense of entitlement, I would have to compete with others on equal grounds, no special exemptions or allowances for my past.
3. I would have to achieve the same as everyone else.
4. I would no longer be a survivor, just a person, living each day.

Then we looked at what emotionally was making me cling to being a victim, a survivor of abuse.
1. The single biggest reason to hold on to it was to not be a victim would invalidate my life experience.

We looked at that, and for the first time she made me (my PDOC Dr. King) look at it in a way I have no way to do. I was not allowed to look at the above statement as black or white, but as both. She made me put that on both sides of the page, what would be good about letting go of being a victim and what would be bad about letting go. I had a hard time looking at the same thing being two sides of the same coin. But it is true. If I give up being a victim, I invalidate my life, my ability to survive, the hardship I have been through. On the other hand if I give up being a victim, I am then a 'normal' person, no longer defined by my hardships and survival.

The concept was and is so hard to understand. Can you undo rape, child molestation, sexual, physical and emotional abuse that spanned 10 years or more? Can you turn your back on it and not use it as a crutch? Can you do something anti-social and own it as a 'normal' person, or do I need to be able to say "you don't understand, look at where I am coming from". More than a year after we started talking about this concept I still struggle with it.

I understand the good it would do to stop defining myself as a victim of my past. I also fear I would fail, fall flat on my face because how can I make up for 50 years of living as a victim? How do you unlearn those behaviors, those thought patterns.

I read about how if you took a dog and put him in a pen, then daily rang a bell and then went out and kicked the crap out of the dog, never showing affection ever... if you stopped the daily ringing of the bell the dog would whimper and cry wanting the beating. As pathetic as that is, I think we as humans are similar, if we get used to be treated as someone who can be abused, then when it stops we have a very hard time adjusting.

A good topic though with lots to think about and try and wrap my maladjusted head around.