I feel like a total idiot still being stuck on this but I'm hoping if I can get it out I can work it out lol
This is a bit me thinking out loud any advice is welcome but please don't feel you need to comment. I'm sure you're all sick of me.
I think maybe part of my problems with letting go is that I walked away when things were 'good' when he was being nice. I keep thinking (despite the slip ups) that maybe he had really changed and now I've ruined everything.
Quote:
If you want me gone, get rid of me. You do what you feel you have to do ____, but I've already admitted to my wrong doings and have accepted them as such. I acknowledge them everytime this subject comes up. I was horrible to you, I ddn't tend to your needs, I took away your need to attempt to be positive, et cetera...I get it truly, but you damn right I won't give into you playing the victim. I will NEVER give into you playing the victim card.
What kills me truly is despite me acknowledging my faults and realizing that I was absolutely horrible, and down right nasty to you and to your mental stability. You still want me to live in that time period in which you hope that I will give you that thumbs up despite saying you were right about some things and tell you "okay hate me all you want hahahaha **** you and I'm over you, block me *****!" so you feel justified in feeling what you're feeling and do what you need to do. Despite your poking and provoking when this subject comes up, I'm still not going to give you want you want. You can't be happy with me saying. I ****ed up, no you seek that justification so you can leave the time warp of 2010-2011 and move on with your life when you can just ****ing move on with your life! If you need a reason to move on from something, you can muster motivation to do it on your own, without needing to hate someone to do it, your issues run father than with just me. I'm not saying it is easy, that it was easy or that it should be easy, but 3 to 4 years out of a life time of pain and agony...you're looking for a new vice to help you get over the rest of our problems and sorry boo It won't be me that plays the scapegoat. You can blame me for whatever you want to blame me for, whatever it takes to help you heal and move on but this argument and need for vidication is beyond played out.
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Taken from our last conversation.
Forgiveness. Was I in the wrong because I didn't/couldn't/ didn't want to forgive him even when he admitted he was wrong?
Is that how forgiveness works? Does admitting a wrong automatically make it right?
He certainly didn't give me that benefit for my own wrong doings.
Admitting he was wrong doesn't change all the pain I felt. It didn't magically uncry the tears or undo the self doubt he had instilled in me.
Was I playing the victim?
I guess I was/am but he admits to having done horrible things to me. Doesn't that make me a victim? And I have acknowledged more than once that it was my own damn fault for letting him get away with it. In the same vein as my forgiving him does my acknowledgement temper my playing victim?
Am I using him to hide my other issues? Is he just an excuse to keep playing crazy?
I never once denied that I had issues. Nor did I ever blame him in context of anything he hadn't done. My issues probably did result in me being more reactive than the average person though.
It certainly feels like he took me and my issues and exacerbated them.
I walked into that relationship thinking I had no self esteem. He proved me wrong. I obviously had something to lose.