I am struggling after the last therapy session. (Note it was only my 3rd with this T.) Sorry... I think this is going to be a bit long...

Session 1: I told him that most of my childhood is fuzzy.
Him: "Why?"
Me: "I don't know..." We moved on.

Session 2: At end of session, I worked up the nerve to tell him about previous DDNOS diagnosis. He either couldn't hear me or didn't know what I was saying... after I clarified, he asked if I lose time (not that I know of, right now), and if I have any other people inside of me that are going to pop out... again, nothing I know of or am expecting. OK, see you at the next session.

Session 3: I had to draw a diagram showing the people/activities in my life in 6th grade. He starts asking questions ("how would you have described your sister then?") - and I just don't know. I'm sure I interacted with my sister, but I don't have any specific memories to fall back on. There's just nothing there. I remember some facts about that time, some teachers, friends - but I don't feel connected to any of them. I can't just close my eyes and *feel* what things were like at that age, or access any of it.

The problem: every time I tried to tell him "I don't remember", he'd reply with, "Yes you do".

This strikes me as invalidating and stupid! I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and start fixing my life. If I could remember, I'd tell him. Especially at that time (there's nothing particularly trigger-y for me that I'm aware of there) - I have no reason to not tell him.

I know sometimes people (including me) can say, "I don't know" when they really mean, "I don't want to say!" but he didn't ask/clarify that, and I really didn't know/remember.

It's already incredibly frustrating to not have what I assume are normal memories, but then to have a therapist standing there saying, "yes you do"

So, I'm rethinking this. I don't know what to do. I like the idea of the "family systems" therapy that he apparently does, and I like that focusing on my family gives me something conrete to start talking about. In previous therapy, I really just got completely lost and wasn't able to talk about anything... there was too much, and it was overwhelming, and I was probably in a weird dissociative place anyway because I just felt like I was pulled into a dark hole that nothing could escape from. But this, I can talk about my family, I'm ready for that!

I just don't know how to deal with this, "yes you do".

I think part of my worry is, I spent a year with a therapist that apparently "didn't believe in dissociative disorders". He had finally referred me out for a consult/evaluation with a dissociative-specialist, and that's how I got diagnosed, but as a result of the diagnosis, he wouldn't see me anymore... the consult T couldn't see me, and I basically got told "hey, you're ddnos - good luck with that, please don't call us back!" It was frustrating and hurtful and just a rotten experience. I found out from a different T after that his experience with me basically convinced old T that dissociative stuff is real (lovely).

So I don't want to go through this again with a new T. I think I need to screen Ts better. I think in a way it sucks that I come off as chatty and present in my initial sessions. I don't know what to do. This T already knows more about me/my family in 3 sessions than any other T I've seen, I think, but I'm having trouble seeing how this is going to work. Does this seem right to you guys? Is this something that I need to try addressing with him rather than quitting? Is it fixable? I hate to waste the time and money (he's expensive) if he's going to be as terrible as my previous therapists!

And at what point do you just figure it's just you. I've seen lots of therapists... I'm starting to think I'm just un-therapitize-able.

Blah...
Thanks.....