I hate my life and I wish I could change it but I can't. I would like friends and a girlfriend but I don't leave the house. I have people saying that I am handsome and not bad looking on the internet but I think they are just saying that for whatever reason. Maybe it is to make me feel better but I don't really believe it.I think I am fat and ugly. I know I am a good person with a huge heart and funny but I think sometimes I tend to annoy people and they would run off. I just hate life cause I want a girlfriend really bad and I don't know what to do or go to make it happen. I have really bad social anxiety and unless a girl walks up to me and asks me out it wont ever happen and if I happen to go to the store which is rare and when I am asked to go I gripe about it as I just don't like going. I just don't like people are staring and making fun of me as I am fat and I think I am ugly. I am told by some people that my personality is good but I don't think it is but sometimes I do. My memory is not that great as I forget things that I talk about with someone and sometimes it just feels like my brain is scattered or something. I am trying to lose weight with the workout Insanity but I have since stopped. I don't really see the point in working out since I am not losing that much weight to begin with. I feel good and since I don't know how to cook I cannot eat healthy as I depend on my mom to cook my meals. People also tell me to get out of the house but where do I go. I just feel like when I do go it feel strange and it feels like I am on display like some circus freak. I mean even if I do go out I won't ever be able to approach someone even for a friend. I am really really shy person and I also think why bother since nobody is going to like me anyways. I am a negative person and really wish I could change that. Like I said earlier about working out I think there is no point to it as I am not active and I don't know what else to do active. I am so depressed and stuff I just don't have the energy or whatever to go anywhere. I also don't know if it is worth working out is because I think why bother cause my life is going to suck for the next 30 years or so so why workout and lengthen my miserable existence. I know that there is no way that a girl will want to be with me as I have no money, car, job, friend,house and I have never had a women interested in me. I mean if I was a girl I would not be interested in me cause I think I am a disgusting fat guy at 33 years old and I think it is too late for me to change. Nobody just brushes this all off and goes out making friends and girlfriends out of the blue. I think it is a total waste of time for me to make friends and try to find a girlfriend as I don't think anyone would want to be around me. I mean I think if I was a positive person and if I lose some weight and with confidence people would probably flock to me but the negative side in me always wins. When I say something positive in my head something negative in my brain would say no your wrong or something like that. I weigh around 300 lbs at 6 ft and I feel like a failure and a loser. I have pretty much waved the white flag at life and I am just pretty much waiting to die as I am to scared to do it myself and I am too scared to die and apparently I am to afraid to live as well and it really sucks in knowing there is nothing I can do about it.