I haven't seen my main T in 3 weeks until last night because of him dropping me down to every 2 weeks plus him being sick one week. I don't know if he was stressed out because of his internship ending or just "done" with me. It was a really rough session. I don't usually cry during therapy, and I really try to keep in under wraps, but it came out yesterday.

He said he was being really curt about how my relationship with my father has become stagnant. I don't know what he expects me to do with my father that's living in my house, who was previously abusive to me and my family. We'd been working on me slowly trying to have a conversation with my father, set boundaries, etc. But I haven't been able to. I shut down, and I told him this. I get angry.

I told him that I feel like I'm on the verge of another mental breakdown with everything going on right now. He asked if my father knew, and I said no. And his response was that he can't help me with my father if he doesn't know. I can't have a relationship with my father, I won't let it happen. I won't forgive him, I want revenge, etc. I'm having nightmares almost every night lately about my father beating my children (havent told T about this either). But the man is living with me right now because he's currently helping us financially and we can't afford this place, and my brother who was helping moved out (BIG LONG ORDEAL).

Then he told me he wants to move away from letting me just "vent" during session because he thinks it reinforces my anxiety and crisis mode. And that he doesn't have the answers for me this session because I'm not taking meds, and I'm only going to 1 group.

I don't know, it was totally not like most of our sessions go. The avoidant part of me doesn't even want to come back in 2 weeks. I'm already planning on not going back to group since they cut it down from 4 hours to 2 hours, and my kids start school soon so I already told them I can't be doing groups. I feel like I'd be better off just handling this on my own, and if I have another breakdown, so be it. Messed up thinking, huh?

I'm already so stressed out with this pregnancy, that between morning sickness and stress, I'm down almost 16 lbs in 7 weeks.

Sorry this is all so jumbled, but I hope you can understand it.