It sounds to me like you're trying to appropriate an alternative meaning so as to assuage guilt? I could be wrong, but that's just how your post strikes me.

No one can tell you not to self harm, you also don't need to justify it - if it's helping you cope that's justification enough. But as you've correctly identified, it doesn't really work. Self harm is addicting and becomes gradually less effective. So...there's never a bad time to consider something else. What about using red paint to create images of the pain you're so badly struggling with?

I agree that substitutions are hard - the reason a lot of people stick with self harm is because it works. But others do move on from it - or in the very least self harm a lot less. There's just not a one size fits all solution.

Guess you just have to remain committed to the search.