Quote:
Originally Posted by Lefty_Mac
I can totally relate to that feeling. The way I see it, you should just be yourself and attempt to be reasonable, If you think you're alienating people, well what can I say about them? Most of them don't know their a-- from a hole in the ground, so why would you expect them to understand you? You gotta choose simple those who DO and have enough open mindedness to understand your thought patterns, opinions, etc. You shouldn't shut yourself off, lest you'll simply shut your LIFE off. And don't sell yourself short. The guy might be interested in you and you're not in him and that's the end of the story. And yes, you are human, just not HUMAN, the worst kind of bipedal living organism on this planet.
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I don't believe I'm alienating people…they seem to like me. The problem is that I don't connect with them and I've lost almost all capacity to care. I don't think I've ever been a very sympathetic person, but I'm less likely to even try to pretend anymore.
I realize I'm not friend or relationship material and seem to not have the ability to be. The only friend I had for a long time and thought we were "best friends" (I've realized that I don't know what it means to have or to be a best friend) even had a strong desire to punch me in the face…and this is from a very patient, gentle person. She also had difficulty with me not being 100% straight and being open with sexuality (this of course was before sexuality was forever ruined for me). And it wasn't like I was being the perfect friend for her at the time. Hell, I wasn't even a GOOD friend…mainly due to the fact that I had no idea what that entailed when I was younger and I don't remember being told. I just assume I was supposed to know. Honestly, I still don't know for sure what all it entails and if it's different for each person.
I've never been in any sort of relationship/friendship that clearly communicated anything on either side and I feel past the point of being able to communicate my own "needs". The reason I put that word in quotes is because I believe almost everything that is deemed a "need" is really a want. We need air, water, and food. That's it.
I have trouble even thinking of myself as "human". I seem to have a human form but I do not think or feel like a human. I'm treated as an object or tool by people…it doesn't matter how I feel, it only matters that I complete the job I have been given.