Thanks, thickntired. I like this line, I so relate to it:

"I always knew that "crazy" wouldn't go over too well in a marriage and raising kids took stability."

Back then, I never worried about being "crazy" per se -- but I always questioned my genetics ... I still do. He was truly "crazy" - paranoid delusional. His mother was worse -- I would say she had either a rip-roaring personality disorder or ... God knows what. (I know, I stated before I didn't believe in personality disorders -- maybe she was just evil, plain and simple).

Whatever, I was always afraid that something would go wrong -- I guess I was afraid that I would end up hurting someone the way I was hurt. Even though I felt there was like a one in 10,000 chance of that ... it was a chance I just was NOT willing to take.

Now I regret that. I know I "had a crisis" - I guess that is the sugar-coated way of saying I had a breakdown, I went nuts, whatever .... but even in my depths, I never had any negative force directed towards any other living being -- just me. I think that actually confirmed to me that ... I'm a pretty good guy after all. And it made it all the harder for me, actually, coming off of that in 2012, I had the sense of "what an idiot, I WOULD have made a great husband and father" and the sense of "well, now it's too late ... not only too old, but worse, now I'm a blight upon society, nothing but a mental patient, and clearly not husband or father material."

I know ... that is in my head, not in the real world. It still feels real, and it still hurts.