Wow...

From West Africa to North Dakota!!! Now that's culture shock!

It makes me sad to hear of your difficulties. I have been down some of the roads you are on. I self-medicated with drugs and alcohol for many years, and endured many years of deep, destructive depression before I started to get bettter.

I think the first real step I made in healing was when I realized, really understood that this disease is NOT MY FAULT! You have to come to a place where you stop beating yourself up about it. Until you do, you will try to "fix" yourself rather than working to treat your disease. (There's a BIG difference).

The next thing is to find a pdoc who is REALLY good at bipolar, and with whom you can work. You might try your local chapters of NAMI or DBSA for a "referral".

Probably the hardest (especially when you're manic and know everything) to do is to TRUST your pdoc. If your meds aren't working, call... they really do want you to feel better, and they can't help if they don't know what's going on.

Last, be patient. I know this is difficult. When you feel bad, you want to feel better NOW! Unfortunately, drug treatment for bipolar is a trial-and-error proposition. When it's right, you will feel good. It really is possible! I didn't think it was for a long time, but you can do it!

I hope you are safe and well... be strong, be positive. things will get better sooner or later!

Peace,
DJ