In the past year, I HAVE let these walls down and I HAVE taken chances. The only thing it got me was people taking advantage of me and more emotional trauma. There is absolutely no way to tell if someone is a decent enough person to even attempt to trust. Everyone is the same to me. And I don't mean that I simply see everyone as "bad". I simply see everyone as neutral and can't tell the difference until someone does someone horrible to me. And even if I did get a bad feeling about someone, it would just be blamed on prejudices and "I should give them a chance!" and all that BS because neither my feelings nor my intuition matters.

Besides, I'm something less than a person, so shouldn't I be treated as less than a person?

Also, a long time ago when I was a teen, I had what was close to a "relationship" with someone (we never actually dated, but we kissed a couple times so we were more than just friends). I felt safe with him. I felt like I was a person and even felt like feelings were allowed to be valid. And this was also before any emotionally disturbing/damaging events that I can remember. But I still didn't like kissing him. A quick peck on the lips was fine, but making out, no. At first, I didn't think anything of it. Then I thought it meant I was gay. Then I thought it would just better with another guy. But every guy is equally as boring and a chore to kiss. I've never kissed a girl, but I don't see how it could be any different at the end of the day. Maybe the difference is facial hair or lack thereof? Ha.