***TRIGGER WARNING FOR SI AND SUI***

I'm just looking for support. Please no criticism, please!

I have had the worst 24hrs I've had in a long time...

So currently I'm dealing with: my mom having major surgery, my little sister (who caused most of my childhood trauma) come back into my life, my grandma in-law is being sued for $1 million, my fiance's job is illegal taking advantage of him, to save my dog's life she might require medication that can kill her, health issues, other life issues, finding a DBT group (not looking forward to going), fighting insurance (to the point I got state officials involved), and to top it all off, my T's vacation soon.

So I had a miscommunication with my T on Tuesday which led to sui thoughts. I cried for 5 1/2 hrs straight. I took Ativan, didn't work. Called a crisis line: they told me I didn't need professional help, to call the Warm Line, and distract myself with a funny movie... I emailed my T (failed at being clear). Left a msg for my T (somehow it was cut off after 10secs). Gave up and SI'ed. Fiance called T, talked to T for 20mins, was okay.

Wednesday I was okay.

Thursday...life came crashing down. Had sui thoughts. Thought I would SI to calm myself...big mistake. I took it way too far. Emailed my T ( because I'm supposed to be honest).

Today...saw Pdoc. T "tattle-tailed" on me (was going to tell Pdoc about SI anyways). Pdoc asked to see the SI. Said it was bad. That I was close to hitting the artery and should have gotten stitches. She said she should hospitalize me, but felt that maintaining a trusting relationship with me at this point was extremely important.

Pdoc also said she wants me to distance myself from T because she thinks my attachment issues are interfering with my treatment.

Pdoc asked a doctor to look at the SI. It was a male doc so she also had a female nurse accompany me. Doc said it was too late for stitches...

To sum it up: I'm a failure, over-dependent, stupid, and suicidal. I have been fighting like crazy for the last 8 months to keep my T...still fighting...and now I'm supposed to distance myself from her?!?! And to top it all off, I was completely humiliated today because not only did 3 people see my SI and a part of my body I consider private, but one of those people was a male and I had to let touch me!

I do want to live, but I'm seriously exhausted. It's sad when your Pdoc gives you permission to take 2 Ativan to completely knock yourself out just so you can survive, and you have to warn people that you are taking a "long nap" because the dose is so high that they might think you overdosed. It's difficult convincing yourself to keep going when things keep piling up. Then again, I must accept the consequences of my own actions