It is me and I am unsure if this is where I should post this. It is with a heavy heart I write and with great fear. I do not know what to say except I really need to reach out. I have not posted much about my childhood or life yet, as I have been scared to do so. But I have posted here and there. I come from a background of RA. It is very difficult for me to share this. I was told never to tell, never to say anything or they would know. They do and they found me. I do not know how to--to let anyone inside. Last weekend, Saturday night, I was assaulted, R^p^ed by one I knew. It has not even been a week but it seems like an eternity and I am scared. I hurt and I find myself looking over my shoulder at every move. The phone rings and I jump. The doorbell rings and I panic. I feel there is no safe place in the world. Everything is moving in slow motion and I cannot breath. I lay down and I feel like I am suffocating. I am so froze up with fear that I have a hard time connecting to anyone. I promised my insides that they would never be hurt again--I lied. I did not mean to but it happened and there was nothing I could do about it. I tried to stay my adult self but I could not as I left myself. I never faced this as an adult, only as a child. I do not feel the same and I feel myself hiding away. I keep asking what is wrong with me. I am having trouble writing this as the screen is so blurred from tears filling my eyes. I am pushing to the farthest reaches of my mind but it does not seem far enough. I am talking but I am afraid I make no sense yet somewhere inside me I need to make sense but I cannot. I do not feel worthy to write yet without words I feel like I do not exist. Is there someone who is listening or maybe I have no right to even ask. I do not want to get in trouble yet someone's voice I do so desperately need to hear. Maybe it feels okay here because no one can see me, no one has to care. But this is real and these words are real. And somewhere in this pain, I am real and afraid. Words seem to be all I have and they seem insufficient scrawled across the page. I know I could hitthe delete button but somewhere inside I need someone to know.