sunny, I love that description too and Ii credit my friend with that. it so fits when that happens as you describe: </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
His mouth moves and I hear words but I don't understand them

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I suspect my T has similar experiences with me!

Thanks so much for sharing your experiences with me!

I have told my T that I don't know what to say sometimes. The silences I expected because my online person I talk to told me about them and what they are for. And that it's okay to just let them happen and to say whatever comes to mind. "Anything and everything is important" she has said so many times. That's been very helpful; many things I would not have said if she hadn't impressed that upon me. Last session.. there was a silence.. I'm learning to not only let them happen but to enjoy them and do some relaxing breaths during them to relax physically and mentally, too. I never know what will come out. What came out this time was that I feel like a child so much and that it's so embarrassing and it's hard to feel that I'm successfully hiding it. And that when that happens I don't know how to deal with it; and that I feel like it will be this way forever. It was a peaceful quiet moment and that's what came out when I just let it happen. She just listened quietly, with kindness and acceptance, and it felt really good. I know we'll get back to it. No rush. That's what the silences say to me: relax.. no rush. It's comforting and stimulating both.

She does help guide me and we are still early in the process; tomorrow is just my 6th session. We've talked about my reasons for being there.

I haven't said to her that I worry that I'm boring here and she might ditch me. But I will say so if that feeling comes up in session. I am trying to learn to say what's happening, what I'm feeling in the moment. It's not an easy thing to do. What's easier and more habitual is to censor or pretty things up or minimize or deny.

The intimacy of the relationship with her is wonderful and frightening at the same time. She said recently that I seem to have a lot of ambivalence. For some reason I was thinking ambiguity and I agreed with her. Later I wondered if I was sure what ambivalence really meant so I looked it up. Now I understand what she meant; that it is ambivalence that can make me feel helpless and hopeless. Being pulled in more than one direction is confusing and exhausting. It describes the relationship with the T and sometimes the feelings about therapy too.

Anyway, I'm going to take my new book about understanding borderline mothers with me tomorrow. She encourages me to talk about her as I know I need to, but I can't get it out. This book is validating for me so it might help.

Thanks so much for the hugs! (((( sunny ))))

ECHOES