I don't want to end up locked up in a hospital again, but I don't think that would happen. I am pretty stable and I have a good support system in case things ever get bad again. You have a good point about symptoms limiting freedom too, and I think they can, but I miss the feeling of intensity that I used to have. That's how freedom feels to me. I'm also really tired of having to follow so many rules all the time. I probably will wait the 10 months and do this safely, but it just feels like a really long time. I am a pretty rebellious person, so this whole situation makes me feel like I'm a sell out. Part of wanting off meds is wanting to experience more intensity again, and part of it is probably just rebellion. I want my life to be wild, and I am being forced to live a safe and conservative lifestyle.

I love my job and being a nurse, but maybe I could find something else I would enjoy with less responsibility. I don't know, I'm too scared to do anything other than complain. I have so much to loose if I mess up. I will probably just continue to comply because I have enough inertia that it is easiest just to continue, But this isn't good enough in the long run. Maybe stable isn't my goal.