I'm coming to understand my dissociative tendencies and issues with this workbook I borrowed from my counselor's office. I don't have a therapist I can trust to talk about my dissociation yet, it's been a lot of self-work so far.

I've had a weird relationship with a friend for a while where dissociation has played a huge part in our interactions. From others taking over.. but I rarely ever lose time, I'm just a witness to being out of control of my behaviors... It's... it just makes me feel so nuts sometimes!

Anyway I've figured out that my friendship with this person has been really unhealthy. They inappropriately encouraged me (and I trusted them too much and did not maintain boundaries) to be sexually and romantically involved even while they were dating someone else (an old friend, I might add). At the time they had an abusive relationship and I was dissociating all the time. Sometimes they really helped me with some of my episodes... as well as my other parts. At the same time they developed personal relationships with other parts.

They broke up and we started dating. They cheated on me after being in a month-long dissociative episode. It broke me.

Here's the current issue.
2 years later we were still friends but not dating. I decided to visit about a month ago, and we had maintained our friendship and they had maintained a personal relationship with many parts. I was so excited to have a guest bed to sleep in, to keep things from being awkward to have to share a room or bed with my ex. ....There was an Other who took over after I laid down for bed. Cause of them we crawled into his bed... and were intimate. The whole time I was upset, uncomfortable. He asked her if I was OK with it, she lied, and lied... I had to fight so SO hard... I just felt trapped and wrapped in cotton.. just to get her to get him to put on a condom.

Next day he I learned he was dating someone. Cheating all over again. He wouldn't tell her, asked to trust me to keep the secret.

So another part came out over the past several weeks even though I wanted to forgive him, myself, and my Other to move beyond the awkward incident. This one was cruel, dark... I've struggled with self-harm and this one had me threaten myself in so many ways, and threatened him. Threatened to tell his girlfriend what we did.

He called me crying today. We're not friends anymore. I was manipulative and cruel for selfish reason... I don't even know. I feel like I made a mistake.

What can I do?