I know these things logically. I can think them in my head. Emotionally though it's a constant battle. I can go weeks where I find I'm coping only for something small to rile up my emotions and suddenly I'm crying myself to sleep again. I hadn't cried in close to 7 years before I met him.

I can't mesh the two personalities he displayed together. I realize part of what I saw from him was probably a deliberate facade on his part but I can't make sense of it and it's creating a lot of dissonance. (Bad people do bad things. He can't be nice if he's doing bad things.)

I understand he is broken just as much if not more than me. He is not necessarily a bad person. (If he's not a bad person then you must be. He only did those things because you made him. You deserved it.)

I know why I have these feelings and doubts. It's years of conditioning from my parents. (Even your own parents don't love you. The two people in the world guaranteed to love you and they despise you. Worthless.)

I just don't know how to fix it and it's such an uphill battle that it seems like sometimes it would be easier to simply give in. Lay down and accept the fact that I'm worthless and that my only purpose in life is to be someone's emotional punching bag. (Keep playing the victim you mean. It's easier that way. Don't have to take responsibility for yourself. You can just hide away and tell yourself it's all their fault.)