I can't remember ever liking my dad. My mom is often very manipulative when it comes to these issues. Both of them are religious fundamentalists... I remember clearly being beaten as a kid, mostly for being in trouble at school, but the school started using me as a scapegoat for disciplinary actions to improve school statistics. So I was beaten several times a week for several years. I was in a state of being continuously grounded and I vividly remember months on in alone in a room with a bed and a chair, often sitting in the chair, waiting for a beating afraid to move or else cause worse punishment later as did happen occasionally.

I on the other hand... I am isolated, alone except for one friend that I talk to online still. I am becoming increasingly anthropophobic, or afraid of other humans except a select few. I am increasingly avoidant and asocial. When I manage to be with people, I increasingly feel extreme anxiety or simply "gone" like my mind is vanish and I can't describe it. I am plagued by terrible nightmares that often involve me being cut open by a surgeon. That's not the issue here.

I want help. I want to talk to a T. I am 19 and under my parents insurance. I'm not sure I could talk with the T. Last time I tried, I saved up money and made it there, paid, and chickened out only a minute into the session and I ran... My parents don't believe in psychiatry and probably wouldn't pay for it if they did. They would send me to some religious leader or something instead...

My parents want me to get a real job. I do have some cash flowing in from occasionally ghost writing but not a real solid job. I have sent out numerous applications and managed a few interviews. I have been turned down every time. I doubt I could hold most of those jobs due to my psychological problems...

I don't have the money to survive alone and I am being threatened to be kicked out of house. I am still in that same room as I was as a child and I am afraid to leave it. It is my prison... I want to leave and I want to stay here. I only feel safe in here. I feel stuck and homeless. The only time I didn't live here was freshman college, I found it freeing at first, but I couldn't maintain the classes, I couldn't handle the people, anxiety made me insomnia. I got booted from school. In high school I only survived because I had a friend who I followed, acted as proxy. Whenever in public, I normally had unwitting friend as proxy. No longer, college has separated no contact remains.

I want to know how I can communicate to them that I really need help... I don't see what else I can do. I hope you understand me. I need to communicate, I don't know how. Can anyone help me? Can anyone relate?

Cast into darkness