Thanks everyone. I'm feeling a little less frustrated today. I saw my therapist yesterday, and talking to him got me all upset about my powerlessness again. I don't want to give up nursing, and i'm 3/4 way through monitoring, so i know i just need to be patient for a little while more. Just feels like i am suffocating under all the control.

Maybe i do need a new pdoc when this is over. I'm scared to start again with someone new... At least i know what to expect from her. But she is really a pill pusher. I am not against meds. I think i need meds, i just don't want to be on an AP. Ideally i'd like to be on just lamotrigine. Saphris has helped, but i don't think i need something so heavy now. Maybe i do need it, i'm not sure, but i'd like to have a try at getting off it so i get all my feelings back. I just feel so stifled, but i also want off as a way of asserting myself in this crazy situation. I know that hypomania never leads anywhere good... but it is so alluring. I wish there was some way to get hypo without totally loosing control. I feel like i am beating my head against a wall trying to get my brain chemistry right. So i should probably just do what i'm supposed to and suck it up for now. I'm going to Burning Man at the end of August, and i'm considering trying to stop the saphris before that so i'll be off it for the trip. I know that is dangerous, and i'm probably not going to do it, but it is pretty tempting. I should really try to be more grateful for the good things in my life, and stop taking unnecessary risks. I know what the right thing to do here is, but it's not what i want. I'm sure i'll figure it out, i always do, but the process is so difficult. I'm in an existential dilemma i guess... Trying to make sense of who i am and everything that has happened. I don't even know, i probably need all these meds, but i don't want them. I don't want to be responsible. Just trying to live without fear. I've been chasing adrenaline, doing some risky stuff, but i still feel nothing. I'm probably just rambling here, and it probably doesn't even make any sense.