It is natural for you to want to connect with the women you're with. Based on what I'm reading about you so far, it's not that that's selfish, it's your way of going about it. Is your aim to want to have sex with your wife or is it to connect with her?

There's plenty of married couple having sex daily yet they couldn't care less about one another, they're just focused on their orgasm because orgasms can be addictive. It's linked to dopamine and an orgasm can almost give you a high comparable to heroin.

You could ejaculate just once a month with your wife ( stay away from masturbation or porn) but in between that you have a sexual tension build up. You start of the first week just by holding hands and offering your wife a massage, these little things gradually build up and then you'll get the sex. But it's not about aiming just for sex here right? It's quality over quantity. Too many men want to simply get there penis inside a woman for a few minutes every day and it cheapens the act and makes it boring, rather then lasting it out, being patient, and being in control of their sexual energy.