thank you everyone... i'm very glad i found this place. it's nice to know that there are people out there who understand. attinson i know what you mean.. my mom struggled with depression for years and her younger brother did too. he died when he was 21, everyone in the family says it was an accident but i'm not sure i believe that. because i know from the stories how hard things were for him. i wasn't born yet when he died but i have a picture of him that i look at a lot and i feel like i can relate to him. my dad didn't believe in clinical depression, or psychiatry, or therapy. he thought it was all a bunch of bs. it's one of the reasons my mom divorced him. he always refused to accept that there was anything wrong with either her or me, although he always told both of us we were crazy. when she first put me in therapy he was really angry. he didn't think i needed it. he died a long time ago but i still think a lot about him. i know he loved me but he also never knew me. he never allowed himself to really know his kids. he just created his own personalities for us. thats why my sister is in therapy although she won't admit it because she wants to remember him as some perfect father. even though there's no such thing.
i've decided that i'm just not going to talk to my family for a while. except my one brother who accepts that there really is something wrong and at least tries to understand and support me. i think it will be easier that way. i think with my sister and my older brother, i've been this way for so long - most of my life - that they think it's just the way i am, rather than any kind of illness. they love me but they don't respect me at all. they still treat me like a child even in my 30's.
attinson i hope things work out for you and your boyfriend. it seems wrong for him to put his work above you. work can't love you or give you a hug or help keep you warm at night. i would trade all the money in the world to just be loved. by myself and others.
thank you again to everyone for your support. it means a lot.