It's hard to describe. It's a pull I feel toward killing myself. It's difficult to resist it. Some moments I can remember that I don't want to die, and distract myself. Other moments I'm consumed. These urge states last usually until I trick my mind somehow, either by distraction or giving in to the urge to some degree.

Technically, I have everything in my life that I could want, and many reasons to live. But the urges don't care about that. They command me to kill myself, but in a gentle, reassuring way. They are smart and manipulative. It's hard to know what's really me, and what's not.