I have a "death force" inside of me that tries to get me to kill myself. It sneaks up on me, using intrusive thoughts, delusions, hallucinations, and reminders of everything I don't like about my life.

I resist it by thinking about how my death would devastate my loved ones. I also try to curb the thoughts by reminding myself that if I indulge them too much, I could end up in the hospital. Hospitalization is a big fear of mine. At the same time, I remember that the hospital is there as a safe place if the urges get too intense. It takes a lot of courage, but I've reached out to my therapists a few times when I felt I couldn't handle the urges.

Also, when I'm not feeling suicidal (which thankfully is most of the time) I make choices that help keep me safe. For example, my pdoc once asked me if I'd like him to write me a script for 3 months worth of meds. Though it would save me a few trips to the pharmacy, I politely turned him down. I knew that having that much medication on me would be an invitation to overdose. Also, if I'm feeling sui, I avoid walking places where there are tall buildings, because I know that I'll be tempted to jump.

I also remember that it's possible that the afterlife could be worse than our current life. Thinking about the possibility of hell is unpleasant, but it has kept me alive in the past.

Keep talking to us. Stay with us. You are stronger than these thoughts.