Sometimes it really feels like I'm being held hostage by my own emotions. No matter how much I tell myself these things and believe in them from a sensible point of view I can't shake the feeling the negatives are true.

I hate the thought of him having narcissism to be honest. I don't want him to have hurt that badly (although part of me is screaming for vengeance now and wants to attack what ever weakness of his I could find.) I don't want to think that he may never really be happy.

I don't even know that he really had a terrible childhood. He never really mentioned anything about it. Although his hatred of his father and substance abuse issues would imply a level of issue.

Part of it is that I don't even know if he is NPD. With nothing official I keep feeling like maybe I've been projecting. Maybe I've slanted these incidents to back up my supposition.

And I can count times when he really did seem like a 'normal' person, there was no grandiosity, no rage, no obvious fakery.

Another part is feeling like I've abandoned him. I know what it's like to hurt and I feel like I should have been strong enough to help him or at least survive with him.

I was reading this article by Vaknin earlier (yes, I know lol) and it made sense of something that I've been struggling with.

In our last argument he kept telling me to leave, it was my choice etc I thought he was just trying to take the high road but maybe he was just trying to avoid abandonment. By baiting me he was pushing me away rather than me leaving him.

I never wanted to hurt him. I never mean to hurt anyone and yet I do.