@@@ Trigger warning - suicide attempt @@@

Disclaimer... I'm still very emotionally charged right now, so a lot of this could be a mix of ranting disproportionally, rambling on tangents or just not make sense at all

Might as well start with context. Part of depression I guess but I absorb the negatives over the positives. Last week was rocky and as I mentioned before, I saw my consultant who had told me off for 'not trying' hard enough. This upset me as all of the positives and steps forward I'd made were totally ignored while I was being judged and condemned on areas that I was still very much struggling with.

This festered in my head and when I saw him in the afternoon with my wife I was (as my wife put it) very shirty, to the point and very dissatisfied with his condescending manner. I think it surprised him a bit as he hadn't seen me when I am focussed, assertive and straight to the point.

Regardless, the point still gnawed in my head that I was a failure and that I was unable/unwilling to help myself.

Was moved to a two man room on Friday (think I mentioned this) but the guy I was sharing with was away for the weekend so I had it to myself. Had got 3-4 hours sleep that night but as Saturday progressed I was very much awake.

My mood started to dip mid day and I was struggling to think positively... my Mum and Stepdad turned up at 3 and wanted to take me out for a meal and a walk.... I did it, but again the noise stimulus was too much and by the time we got back I was mentally exhausted and felt completely drained. Still tried to be social though as I only see them once a week and I value the visit, mask was up constantly wanting them to leave happy that they'd had a good day with me.

Got a text from my nurse friend cancelling his visit tomorrow (my policeman friend did the same to me at some point in recent past)... not a massive deal in itself but the Wife was not visiting this weekend to give her a break and I wasn't going to see her till Tuesday (and then again on Thursday).

Was sitting in my room and my mood just started dipping and dipping... the nurse who was meant to give me 15 mins to chat came to see right at the end of his shift (9pm) and I'd actually thought he'd left... I had already started cutting by that point (covered up) and had nothing to really say to him... was empty and vacant.

He said he was going to ask the next shift to keep an eye on me but I don't think he did as they continued with the hourly checks... at 12am, the guy did his check and then left... I knew what I planned to do... but in one last ditch effort of will I went to look for help.... but the 2 nurses I can speak to were dealing with medication and I just didn't have the social energy to wait or approach them.

Returned to my room and put into action my plan. Without going into details, the hospital fixtures and fittings are a lot weaker than they appear (probably by design for the very reason of it being in a mh hospital).

Was a loud crash and I was found by a nurse with me on my arse on the floor in a flood of tears.

quite a few staff rushed in but the 2 nurses waved them off and sat with me while I blubbered, apologising and feeling like a total failure. Apologised to the nurse in charge as I really like her and told her that when I first came here I'd made a promise to myself to never do anything on her shift.... and then I burst into tears again.

She explained gently what was going to happen next... that a doctor was being called to check me over and that under normal circumstances I would automatically be put on level 1b (line of sight observations) but knowing me and knowing what massive steps forward I'd made, that would be like taking 8 back and that in her opinion would leave me feeling even worse. So she was going to argue for level 2a (10 min observations)... which the doctor agreed to.

The night didn't end there in terms of an emotional ride to hell, but going to take a break and come back to it in a bit.