This is a long post, so clear your diary if you're going to read it.

I'm a little over a month into this period of abstinence from alcohol. I say period of abstinence because sobriety is too all encompassing, and ultimately is a state of mind and lifestyle choice, not an experiment.

Having said that, I think I am doing myself a disservice by simply saying I am having a little time off the pop. I really have adjusted my lifestyle, and I have implemented some massive changes that I fully intend to solidify in my life. I am exercising 6 days a week, meditating, writing, drawing, thinking, dating crying and analysing myself. I am dieting, loading up on vitamins, taking care of my appearance, honing skills, battling depression and anxiety with long term strategies and ultimately becoming a better person.

I have steadily tapered off my anti depressants, and I took my last tablet over a week or so ago. Minus a few irrational outbursts of anger exacerbated by traffic jams and irritating requests from my over domineering boss, it all went rather smoothly.

So, to summarise, to the unfamiliar eye, if one was to observe my day, they would see me wake up at 6.00am, take various multivitamins before going for a brisk swim before work, proceed through my working day with positivity and a keen wit, before retiring to the gym for an intense bicep work out. I would then retire to a cloud of steam emanating from the hot bath, and the smoke of herbal incense, before meandering into my bedroom to meditate in front of a candle before slinking into bed. An observer would colour me a Buddhist monk.

An observer would be wrong.

I'm not at peace with myself. I'm not happy with this lifestyle. Having said that, in the month or so that I have practiced this way of life, a few underlying issues have protruded through the fading haze of drink, drugs and fun.

Thus far, I have learned, without a shadow of a doubt, that I have issues. You're probably reading this thinking 'NO **** SHERLOCK,' and if that is the case, please, bear with me. I have known that I have had issues for a long long time, but I haven't really addressed the route at any point in my life. I am getting to a point where I am willing to do that.

Admittedly, I am self diagnosing, which isn't advisable, but again, bear with me. I think that all of my compulsive behaviour - Pure OCD itself, compulsive drinking, smoking, gambling, ****ing, anything fun, is my brains way of protecting myself from myself. I'll elaborate - I have been seeing this girl recently, and she is amazing. She is beautiful, intelligent, funny, we have EVERYTHING in common, and she really likes me. I like her, too. I like her, but I also don't want to be with her. I don't want to be with anyone on an emotional level. I avoid connecting with her like the plague, and I play up to my reputation, I exaggerate my humour, and I when I am with her I worry that she thinks this is going somewhere. I was engaged in this particular cycle last night, and for once I was mindful of it, so I had a think.

Why am I so terrified that this might actually go somewhere? Why am I always terrified that this is the case? My longest relationship is genuinely 4 weeks, yet I have had sex with over 70 girls.

I dug a little deeper. I asked myself, 'what am I waiting for?' I know that one day I want a to have a marriage and a family. I then proceeded to ask myself 'If not this girl who ticks every box yet you are trying desperately to run away from, then who?!'

Why does a relationship terrify me? Because I would have to lay my emotions on the line.

Why is that a problem?

I was bullied when I was a child - a lot. I have never really given any credence to that, and I have minimised the problem in my own head up until now, but for years and years, I was bullied, ostracised, humiliated and chastised relentlessly. The harder I tried to be accepted, the more I was bullied. I never gave up, and I jumped through hoops to fit in, eventually becoming part of 'the crew.' I think I have constructed an impenetrable front around myself to display to the world and to cope with the bullying that I experienced.

I'm not a psychiatrist, and I don't pretend to profess theories of defence mechanisms with any conviction, but right here is a plausible cause for my compulsive behaviour. I have a starting point. I am going to get a referral to a therapist and start to talk about this as I really believe it needs to be addressed.

Writing this has made me feel both liberated and vulnerable. I'm catching thoughts in my head saying 'people won't think you're cool.' How insane is that?

As for the not drinking, well, long may it continue until I have addressed these issues, and perhaps long after that. It is difficult, I must admit, but I am fully aware that abusing alcohol will do nothing to improve my situation.