Ah, I love a good sense of humor! I cleared my diary and you made it worth it.

Do you remember at all when you were a kid and had to transition to another level? How did your first kiss work out? It sounds to me like you are stalled in the "comfortable". You could be a rocket scientist but then, maybe not? Let's not try, not find out. No matter what, when we try something new to us, we generally suck at it because we don't have any experience, no practice, are just learning about it. Growing up is like that? We can read books about marriage, buying a house, relationships, etc. but it is not the real thing. Real things are real and can go really wrong, sometimes despite our best efforts.

I still vividly remember being in driver's ed class (I'm 63, so we're talking a contemporary of Henry Ford, windows "rolled" up, not many people had electric ones yet and the seat belt law for my state was after I started driving :-) when we watched a movie and it was about the ball bouncing into the street from behind parked cars and the kid chasing it, not paying attention to you in your station wagon. . . and then I got my license and was out there and guess what, it happened. I had no trouble stopping in time, I was too busy laughing hysterically, I had thought it was more a "symbol" of what could happen, never occurred to me that it actually happened in real life? It was just a shorthand cliché, a teaching tool?

In getting to my exalted age, I have noticed a thing or two and the one I wish I'd known back in my teens is that "the map is not the territory" (tied with, "it will be all right"). I have always been a reader and use to read 5-10 books a week. Unfortunately, that caused me almost as much trouble as it was helpful. Yes, I could tell from my responses to what happened to the characters that I was "normal"/had all my correct "parts" and physical responses and, eventually, the light bulb went on and I realized life was about learning new things, not suddenly being struck (à la lightning) with knowing how to do them and life was also about choices. My problems arose when I'd choose something, usually because it was "easier" and I'd get stuck with that choice over time because it would be hard to admit it wasn't working and choose something else. It is much easier to daydream (or read a book) that you get straight A's than to confront and struggle with the math homework you don't understand? Eventually though that math course passes you by and you are in deeper trouble than you needed to be. You get 10 years out of college and decide to take computer programming but your Algebra isn't good enough because you were busy daydreaming instead of studying.

You can't get to love, marriage and pushing a baby carriage in front of your McMansion either all by yourself or without time, "practice" and a heck of a lot of risk. I did not marry until I was 39 and, being behind still, I chose to choose to forego the baby carriage because my Prince Charming had already "been there/done that" and was not interested in doing more (I wanted any children of mine to have a father who was thrilled to have them too).

There aren't any short cuts? You have to choose what you want and then you have to work for what you have chosen. What you have been "given" might make the work more pleasant for you but you still have to learn a whole lot of stuff you don't know and watch people who have been on the path before you, being ahead of you (my niece got engaged to be married before I did -- big hunk of multi-$1000s emerald ring; I dragged my husband-then-boyfriend out to buy me a ring neither of us particularly wanted/cared about, a $200 pearl (my name is Margaret and that "means" a "pearl")). When possible, it is good to keep your eye on your own choices/path, I found one seems to stumble less and make more progress. Otherwise you get insane thoughts in your head saying 'people won't think you're cool' - which doesn't do anything good for you, does it? Dismiss the thoughts that don't do anything good for you and focus on those that do. And, of course, no one said it was easy