Your level of self awareness and willingness to face these problems is very inspiring. It sounds to me that at this point other than your girl friend you are trying to tackle it all alone. I believe life is a WE game and when tackling such issues we need lots of help from others who have similar issues and from professionals. You say you are reaching out for therapy and you have posted here so those are great moves. It takes a lot of strength and courage to face this stuff. The road less traveled - from and old book.

I am a recovering addict/ alcoholic who also suffers from depression and anxiety so I can only look at it from that angle. I got clean and sober in AA. Whether you have OCD or an addictive personality only you and maybe professionals can decide. It is not the labels so much but what will help me overcome. I can tell you without a doubt that the defense mechanisms you describe are extremely common is the recovery world. If you want to work on your sobriety get in a relationship it is often said. Relationships tend to force us in your face confront fear of abandonment, fear of intimacy, fear of commitment, etc. You are not alone in having slept with a lot of women yet only had four week relationships. Something in us gets triggered at a certain point and its time to go. It certainly is possible to have a good relationship if both people are willing to face those issues and work through them together. Sometimes they are too powerful and we can't handle it within the context of a relationship and have to keep working on it on our own. Hopefully we will both have very fulfilling loving relationships at some point. I certainly want one.

I can say for me there is a strong genetic biological component to my addictive personality and depression but there was also learned behaviors from growing up with an alcoholic father. I have walls and they are thick. Even after so many years of working on this stuff. It has been years since I have been in a relationship. The last one I was in was two and a half years and it was the healthiest. It did reach a point though where her walls and defense mechanisms were to powerful and she bailed. Why I have not been in one since is complicated and has a lot to do with depression I think. But it could just as well have to do with my walls and fear.

Staying sober and the healthy practices you have incorporated will help you in the long run I can guarantee you. They don't work in a night or a month. It took us a long time to get the way we are and a long time to change our patterns of thinking and behavior. So much of it is sub conscience. I think we need a lot of help along the way in whatever form that takes. Whether you can stay free of your addictions or OCD behavior on your own without some sort of support group only you can find out. Those behaviors did serve a purpose for us and without them we are kind of left floundering. Even though we know how bad they are for us they still served some purpose.