i don't know how to describe how i am feeling it's so hard.
i have always worn a mask, a happy mask most of the time, and also of a person who will be walked over and not able to say no even to things i never wanted to do.

my therapist says because i have bought my teenagers up and got them through the ages i went through my trauma, now it's my turn to let go.

i dont get on with my mum or dad that well, dad never told me he loved me, mum was part of my emotional abuse and her lover was my sexual abuser. one of the reasons i neber talked about it much was the fear of people thinking i'm full of self pity.and also maybe they wouldn't believe me like my mum didn't. i need to let you know that this is not the truth. i came here to vent and help others. when i post a poem or post in anxiety or depression i am helping myself heal. i do not want pity. i want to help me and others. i feel i am slipping, always suffered with depression, but now it's coming to the surface i feel iam getting lower and lower into myself rather than coming out and being happier.

is this normal? i should be seeing a pdoc very soon i still havent heard. do you have to sink so low before you feel better?
quite honestly at the moment i am lost and alone and in real life no one knows how bad i feel. ive been miserable in here for a good while too and i'm sure people avoid me. i'm so paranoid and have such low self esteem. i have some wonderful friemds in here whom i love so much, some people in here mean more to me than irl friends. but i'm scared i'll lose them too as i am such a defeatist right now. i stay in my room on my own and avoid my family cos i feel they're all sick of me.
sorry to vent like this. just feel so so so low and lonely. i'm scared what'll happen if i dont get help soon.

jinnyann