Hello,
I think my father had BPD, or something close. He was always angry about something. Whatever he felt, he always turned it into anger and blame someone. And he drank to feel better although that would actually make him worse. He was over sensitive to anything he thought sounded like criticism and would take issue with the smallest thing.

I wonder if my mother may have had it too. Or something close. She was emotionally manipulative, but an enabler for my father's poor behaviour and always excused it and took sides with him when he blamed others - especially use children.

Strangely, it is really only since they both died and I am in my middle age that I have begun to fully realise all this and NOT think they were great parents. How could I have believed they were anything but toxic? Because they persuaded me, somehow, that I was to blame and simply not as good as them. Or something like that.

Anyway, at this stage in my life I have no friends and no relationship. I have had friends and relationships but there has always been a reason why they have stopped, and I have stopped seeing them. Usually, to be brutally honest, I didn't think they were good enough for me in some way. I am embarassed by that but it feels true.

My only friend, that I can call a friend, although really she is not, she is simply dependent on me in some ways and I on her in others. Not sexual - read my thread in the relationships section if you want to know.

She was diagnosed with BPD and fits everything I have read about it. Big time. Unfortunately, she refuses to acknowledge there is any problem despite having spent many years in therapy. And she simply blames everyone else, and especially me, for her feelings and the way she expresses them.

I worry that part of the reason I stick by her is because of some echo of the dynamic with my parents.

But anyway, today - after being on the wrong end of one of her outbursts - I looked around online for something to make me feel better. And I saw a BPD test and took it, thinking that it might offer some insight. Interestingly, the results had me quite high on the spectum. So I began to wonder.

The thing is I don't have the anger issues which always seem to factor highly in any description of this disorder. I don't do shouting or get out of control in that way. My 'friend' descibed me to day as passive aggressive. I don't think that's descriptive of me entirely, but perhaps with her it is a bit - if I display any emotion that isn't entirely overtly supportive of her she will accuse me of attacking her so I'm not left with much, and occasionally withdrawing or making a pointed remark is the only way I have with her of providing any response that lets her know I don't approve or agree. But that's not how I am with others - who allow me a wider range of emotional expression. Although, as I have just admitted, there are no others now anyway sso that's kind of moot.

Anyway, so when I read the test results and then read the post at the top of this forum titled: 'Borderline PD symptoms description' which doesn't highlight the anger/emotion so much but a sense of un-self and suchlike, I thought - hmm, maybe that is me afterall.

Hell, it would be great to finally have a label for what I feel. I have tried the 'depression' label but the more I look into it each time it happens the less I think that's what it is. I've also tried other labels but none really stuck.

There's definitely something wrong with me and I'd like to know what it is so I can do something about it. I have too many difficulties doing the basics and I am totally isolated, except for the occasional disfunctional codependent relationship - it's got so that if I feel attracted to someone I know to stay away from them! And if I don't then I know I ought to be if I were 'normal'. I can't hold down a job because I get disillusioned after 3-6 months and find myself leaving for whatever reason. So I'm self-employed, which can work really well at times but at other times I suffer badly from procrastination and low low low self esteem and struggle to find more work, then get all perfectionist when I get it and then overdeliver and then feel bad. Etc. Hey, I make a living but it ought to be easier than this.

Sorry, I've rambled on too long now and you don't even know me. Or perhaps you do if you are in this forum and that test was accurate.

What happens next? Any ideas?
Do I win a life if I guess the label correctly, or do I have to carry on doing this stuff because I left it too late?