No, it's all fine, I wouldn't have asked if I wasn't truly in need of advice.

One good thing - if I go forward, and it doesn't work, going back is easy from a pragmatic standpoint, one phone call and I could restore all I do now, trainers, group, etc. I guess that isn't even the type of risk this represents to me. So in that sense, my "all or nothing" "risk it all" post seems stupid to me now.

Glory and ego - no, honestly. I expect to do miserably, and I don't expect to enjoy any of it. I am a particularly terrible swimmer, really slow. So, why even do it, it sounds so stupid on the face of it. Because I need something that will take me to a level beyond anything I have experienced. Physically and mentally. I guess I feel like if I could be tough enough to do that, I would be tough enough to survive. Right now, I question that.