I just need to vent, and this seems like a great place to do it anonymously. Maybe you all can impart your collective wisdom as well. Sorry if this is long, but NOBODY has ever heard this before...

Background
I used to be a "normal" kid. Then, when I was about 16 years old, I suddenly became horrifically depressed. Like many, I felt everything was pointless/hopeless, and I pretty much gave up on the world. I felt miserable, and I became irritable because I blamed everyone else. Eventually, after getting into arguments with teachers (I kept telling them to %#@&#! off) my parents brought me to a psychologist. However, I refused to return after two brief visits, because I thought the problem was with everyone else. I was never really suicidal or anything, I was just impartial. Living was simply hell on earth, and dying would be taking the easy way out. Neither one seemed all that appealing. All I could think about each day was how miserable I felt.

After a couple of months, the depression eased, but it didn't disappear. It was at this point that I realized something wasn't quite right with me. (Seems obvious in hindsight!) I tried my best to "snap out of it," but that definitely didn't happen.

Then I went to college. I guess it was enough of a shock because I snapped out of the depression and went back to normal.

I thought everything was better, BUT then the insomnia hit me. (after 2 months of a normal mood) For a week, I was up till 4:00 am every night. I expected to feel like crap, but I felt great. I started reading about quantum physics working out, drinking more alcohol, and doing all sorts of other atypical things. I also dropped my friends in favor of a new, more outgoing group because the old group was boring.

Of course, I didn't realize anything was out of the ordinary then either. But I distinctly remember thinking, "how could I EVER have been depressed? Man, I'm like the opposite of depressed now. Thank goodness I'll never be depressed again." Needless to say, I was feeling pretty good.

Awhile later, I took an intro to psychology class which mentioned bipolar disorder. I realize people have a tendency to self-diagnoses themselves, but i was pretty sure I had been both manic and depressed. Shortly thereafter, I changed my major to Psychology for various reasons. (not JUST because of this)

Ever since I was 16, I've had varying periods of depression (much milder than the first though) and hypomania. And a LOT of insomina (weeks at a time). Eventually, I went to the counseling center with a complaint of insomnia. They pretty much rejected me because I wanted to be a clinical psychologist. So, I took it upon myself to learn CBT coping methods.

Since then (that was years ago), I've come a long way. I've learned to channel my energy into positive tasks, and I've learned to avoid hostility (this was huge). I still become depressed / hypomanic, but I'm never really out of control. If I'm depressed, I don't blame others and I understand that things will get better even if it doesn't seem that way. Most importantly, I've been able to carry on my job and schoolwork without too much of a problem. (When I was depressed the first time, both suffered)

I'm perfectly happy the way I am. Sure, the depression really sucks sometimes, but it's nothing I can't handle.

The Problem
While I may have accepted my nature, I find that I'm always emotionally hurting my friends. Whenever I become depressed, I isolate myself from my friends. I stop answering my phone, and I avoid contact with them too. I try to hang out sometimes, but it feels like so much work it leaves me exhausted. Plus, I totally lose my sense of humor. This makes me feel horrible!

My friends just see me in one light, and they really don't understand me or why I change. Furthermore, I can't explain it to them. If I were to admit it, it could seriously conflict with my career plan. I usually just say, I'm tired, don't take it personally.

I'm not in a position to even admit the possibility of having BP. If I were to do that, my career goal of becoming a psychologist would certainly be compromised. That's the only goal I really care about too. I've suffered substantially, and I've grown and matured through it. Nobody should have to suffer through depression, and if I can even help one person, it'll be worth it.

Currently, I try to keep my friends very distant; thus, they can't get hurt if they're not close to me in the first place. That's not really a permanent solution though.

I guess I'm not sure what I should do. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. It just feels good to honestly say what I feel even though it's anonymous. Thanks for listening!