I've never been diagnosed with OCD, but the more I read up on it, and the more I reflect on my past and current behaviors the more I think I have it, especially "pure O" OCD.

One of the first symptoms I can remember is from when I was a little girl. I grew up in a small town, and I remember this one house at the end of my street had a weird shaped window. Every time I drove past this house with my parents I felt a compulsion to look at the window.. I have no idea why. I had this same compulsion to always look at the chimney of another house whenever we drove by it, because it was unique and no other house had it. It wasn't just that they stood out, it was that I HAD to look at them when we drove by. Part of me thinks these things were just inanimate ways for me to connect to my surroundings as I was learning, but as I grew older they stuck with me and I always knew it was weird, and I was certain that I was the only person that did things like that.

Then I remember for a period of time I always wanted to type out phrases with my fingers. (As in my fingers would sort of twitch as they went through the motions of typing on a keyboard). I would just hear a random conversation and I would type it out with my fingers in my own head. (Weird, I know).

When I was young I also had to sanitize everything when I cleaned. Either with lysol or bleach. When I cleaned my bathroom as a teenager I had to take everything out of the bathroom (eg. toothpaste, facewash, and sanitize them).

Even now I think I have a mild hoarding problem. I have trouble throwing anything out. When I clean my room and I throw out a bunch of old papers or old mail, I have to re-check the garbage bag, sometimes more than once, to make sure I'm not throwing out anything important (and this is never the case). If I don't check I feel anxious.

I don't feel that I have compulsions anymore, but I obsess. I have gone through many periods in my life where I obsess over weird things I did when I was young. For example, when I was 12 I had an odd sexual experience and now as a 25 year old I can't stop thinking about it and if there is something wrong with me, or if I'm weird or a freak. Even though this incident never repeated itself, I am a relatively normal adult and my sexual relationships are normal. I obsess over this incident and I need constant validation that I am not weird for this incident when I was 12. I try to convince myself that since I was 12 it was ok because I was a kid. But then I think, "what if 12 isn't the age of a kid", and I go as far as to youtube kids who are 12 to confirm to myself that a 12 year old is a kid. This obsessing leads to depression and I end up hating myself and feeling like a fraud and a freak.

Can anyone relate? I feel so depressed all the time but right now it's because I am isolating one incident from when I was 12 years old.