For 33 years....I was lonely in my marriage....but until the last 13 years of that time.....I had my engineering career & I had all the people that I played racquettball with & my music performing......but in that I never had any close friends mostly acquaintances......& a H who I never did connect with & had issues with before we ever got married......I just didn't realize how bad it was until the end & until I finally left.

Go figure....I moved away....2100 miles to a place where I didn't know anyone......but in my aloneness on my own.....I have the most wonderful connection of friends.....& loneliness is NOT something that I feel.....but the one thing that does lurk in the back of my mind is that lonliness is greater with all the divorces that exist & the married couples who used to tolerate each other for the long haul are no longer doing that & we do end up alone & without being surrounded by a wonderful community of friends who take care (sometimes it's still NOT THE SAME as having a husband/wife right there with you)....but it's better than a bad marriage where they is only lonliness.

What I have also found is that I now have a relationship with God.....something that I had never found before......so in my life....I am never alone....God is always here surrounding me in my life & taking care of me.....so much better than my H ever was capable of doing. I have friends who mowed my field after I fractured my back.....I have friends who are looking out for me & if they don't see or hear from me for a little while.....they contact another friend who lives closer (I live on a farm out in the country alone with my 3 eskie dogs)......& my neighbors drive by all the time & check to see if I'm ok & will stop by to check if anything doesn't look right. I have never felt more cared about in my whole life than I do now.....& this is 9 years after my mother died & 7 years after I was smart enough to leave my H.

When I wasn't able to do my normal volunteer work at the horse park this spring, I got a text from the coordinator to see if I was ok & to let me know that they missed me....I never had anyone care about me like that when I live with my H.....not even my H.....but then I think he has some issues that are undiagnosed that make him incapable of connecting to anyone emotionally....he can do nice things...but there is NO connection......so I would rather be away from that & live by myself & have connection with people outside of my own home.

I saw my grandmother outlive everyone that she knew & she had alzhimer's for almost 15 of her last years she lived......even in the care facility where there were people around....I can't imagine what that lonely feeling is to be so inside your head that you can't remember anything or connect with much that is around you......I think that to me would be the ultimate loneliness.

There are times when I do wish that I might find someone in the future that I could really connect with & have the marriage that I always wanted to have with a man.....but if I don't, I am surrounded by people who care (as long as I don't outlive them).....but I am satisfied living alone as I have for the last 7 years...it's so much better than the 33 years before that being alone has become a blessing & not a curse because of the wonderful friends that God has placed in my life & the wonderful relationship I have with Him.