About an hour and a half after the last post I had an emotional break down.

Was sitting at computer and became flooded with intrusive thoughts to die... can't express adequately how powerful they were... but I went and sat near the nurses station, curled up on a chair and tried to distract myself with music... didn't work, the thoughts were coming on in waves and I stormed into my shared room punching the door as hard as I could... sat on bed and burst into tears.

Went to look for my nurse but she was exceptionally busy and I left her to it, went to the entrance (locked) of the ward, curled up and just sobbed. Was found by the matron who spoke with me... I say spoke; my words were broken up due to the sobs.

The chat helped... but then something strange happened... I had burnt up all the emotion and went deadly numb... went back to my room and was staring at the item that had triggered off the intrusive thoughts in a very dispassionate way... dangerously close to doing something due to feeling nothing and not caring.

Thankfully a member of staff (one I really get on with well) came in to get me to come for meds... saw me sitting transfixed and blank, sat next to me and got me talking... told her about the intrusive thoughts and the complete numbness I was feeling... she asked me if I had a plan, I said yes.... she asked what it was and at first I refused to tell her... she pushed and I said I would only elaborate if she didn't start removing things... that I've got to start trying to take control of this as when I leave, I won't have anyone around removing dangerous items from me.

She nodded to this so I told her.

In honesty I'm glad it was her that came in.... I was very close (again ) to doing something stupid.

She walked with me arm in arm to the med station and encouraged me to talk to the nurse which I did... both asked me to stay by nursing station again which I've done up to now.

These massive mood swings are scaring the crap out of me... but calm at the moment... will take it as it comes and hope it lasts more than an hour and half this time.