Okay, I have a lot of stuff to write out, I don't think this is the proper forum to do it in so I will just say the basics- Suffer from childhood trauma causing PTSD (I'm 30 now and had no idea until I was arrested 4 months ago and now going through therapy), also high anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember causing lots of self hate and blame, addiction, self harm (or SI) and eating disorders. Anyways, reason I'm here is that I now have had my first session with a trauma phycologist (guess they wanted to wait till the more serious addictions were in order before getting into this). She asked me some stuff about my past, and mentioned she would like to use EMDR therapy with me but that I need to 'stay with her' and can't 'dissociate'. Since I had no idea what she meant (okay, I am not completely oblivious, I know when things go far back. Don't like to discuss my mind tends to wander and I can't stay focused on the topic, I also can be mid-sentence in a conversation and then completely forget what I was saying or going with that thought). But when she first asked if I dissociate I told her I didn't know what that meant- she asked about the outer body experience.

Here is where I'm confused. I thought it was some Godly thing, or when people die they say they have an out of body experience, so I said no, no nothing like that. But then I actually started paying attention to. Yield, and my actions and what I do, and maybe I do. I've been suicidal in the past, I thought I was over it, pretty sure I am (just a time period when all this began 4 months ago, had a bit of a breakdown and said that my son would probably be better off without a mom than with a crazy one... And I quite strongly believed it at the time) anyways, I can't stop getting thoughts out of my head, of how to really hurt myself. It is a HUGE pull, I don't know why I am so obsessed with that particular image, but I do realize I am totally just spaced out in that moment staring ......

But that's all I got for out of body that I know of, or have within the last 5 days picked up on.

I thought everyone lost track of time and thoughts, I know I am overly forgetful, almost frighteningly forgetful, but I just thought it was me and my bad memory... Maybe too many drugs back in the day.

I'm not trying to make light of it, though sometimes in therapy sessions I find I do. Ugh, I don't know. I have been trying to see if I relate to anyone but it's not like I say, oh hey otherself, how you doing in there. I just always felt like there was two me's and I just want to be the one I like...

Know what I mean?