Valshia, I feel compelled to share some of my experiences because I can identify with a lot of your basic struggles and I don't want you to feel alone. Since I don't know a lot about your personal history then you might not relate to all of my specific details so just disregard those aspects. But hopefully you can pick-up on the similarities within the big picture of it all. And, maybe it'll give you some ideas about how to interpret things in ways you may not have thought about yet.

I have a LD and horrible memories from the ways some people treated me--especially at school. It was truly emotional/mental abuse inflected upon me because I had no way to defend myself or escape it because it was by people of authority. I just helplessly endured the pain. The resulting damage to my self-image, self worth, self confidence and such had an almost life long impact....basically, the public humiliation made me believe their ignorance and it was traumatic enough that developed PTSD from it. I realize I was in school a long time ago so the teachers did not really understand why I seemed to be the "problem" so I have more or less let go of the anger I felt towards them.

It was really difficult because although I had the LD I also had a very high IQ and was academically driven so it was embarrassing that I just could not "get" some things like everybody else. I believed I was stupid even though I excelled in other areas that other students never had the "talent" for because I did not give myself credit for it. Really, it was a whole heck of a lot of work and figuring out different ways to learn and think about things in my own way so they'd make sense. Which, I see now, has actually been a gift to be able to do that--something the average person may not tend to do because they don't have the need to think in a novel manner.

But, anyway, yeah, I too have the intrusive thoughts and I have a mental illness. But just having those thoughts does not make you crazy or necessarily mean you should be locked-up in a hospital. I can't say why you are having them or if they are related to your LD or, really even predict very much about how they will play out in your life. Because you might have a different LD and have different influences on your mental health than I have in my life. To some extent I think every person is somewhat unique in how they think and how their thoughts affect their life.

But, please don't feel like you're all alone with your struggles and questions. I have much in common with you. My intrusive thoughts have changed over time but for most of my life they were about suicide and they were extremely graphic and very disturbing to have to live with all the time. Yeah, all the time--they never quit for even a minute. However, over time they have switched gears a little bit but I still deal with them on a daily basis. They are just a little "different" now in the sense that I don't find them quite as disrupting to me because I've learned how to better manage them. Meds and a lot of writing and thinking about them has helped me accept them so they don't feel like such a big threat anymore. It's a big relief to be able to go even just an hour without feeling like I am threatened by my impending death or doomed to insanity.

For so much of my life I was tortured by my thoughts and it was a constant battle to try to control them--at times I was convinced that I'd never make it--they would eventually drive me mad or kill me. No matter how hard I tried I could not stop them and my brain just kept on producing one right after another...I just wanted to hear what silence sounded like because I literally did not remember it.

I know it sounds like it doesn't make sense that even though I had spent so much time doing nothing but thinking about the thoughts...I really did not make much progress understanding them until I thought about them even more--but, it was different thinking--I learned about others experiences with thoughts, tried to get people's feedback and talked to therapists and finally I came up with some new insights.

If you would like to PM me to discuss this, I'd be happy to chat with you. I think its really good you're seeking help because I ended up waiting a little too long and suffered consequences from having them so long. Whatever you do, don't give up because your life will get better....