Mapper, this sounds like such a crazy situation to deal with. I have to ask... are you in therapy now? Or, can you be? I think a *good* therapist could be a huge asset here in helping you deal with what's going on effectively.

I don't want to add more stress, but when you say, "I would feel bad leaving him" - that throws up such major red flags to me. And, honestly, since I don't know you or your husband in real life, I'm not comfortable reducing it, "just pick up and go" - but it's really hard to see how frustrated you are, how much your husband is not taking any sort of responsibility, and then to hear that you'd feel bad leaving him. *HE* should be the one feeling bad, not you! He should feel bad for lying to his boss, for not supporting you better, for not being an equal partner in the relationship, and if you leave - HE SHOULD FEEL BAD for HIS part of the failed marriage, NOT YOU. (But he doesn't, does he? So, why are you willing to take all the bad feelings on yourself, when this isn't your fault/responsibility?)

My sister is with a very long-term, live-in boyfriend... who hasn't worked for like, 7+ years at this point. She supports him. I mentioned this at my appointment with the new T, and he said something to me like... "you do realize people like this FIND each other, right? Basically, if your sister were a healthier person... she'd recognize that this was wrong, and wouldn't let it continue. She'd tell him he either needs to start taking steps to find a job, like send out 3 resumes this week, for example, or she'd kick him out."

I think the problem is, you can't force someone to change. They have to recognize a problem and be motivated to find a solution. Your husband doesn't recognize the problem. Heck, things may be GREAT as far as he's concerned. And why not - not only is he getting away with not working, you're enabling him to do that (supporting him financially, cooking for him, whatever).

But, YOU see that there's a problem... or you wouldn't be this upset and frustrated by it. So... I don't know, I get that it feels bad to be tough with him, but I wonder if there are some things you could start doing, some boundaries you could set, that might help you feel better? (This is where I think a good T could help, I'm rotten with this stuff!)

Things like...

- Setting up consequences for him lying to his boss about time off work? (I'm not sure how to do this effectively?)

- Setting up consequences for him skipping work without a real medical reason (maybe telling him flat-out, "since you're not sick and you're not working, I expect you do these things around the house: fix that, cook dinner, clean up the kitchen... etc. Make it specific.)

- Getting him into counseling?

I don't know, relationships and boundaries are REALLY not my strength. I don't know, I'd probably just flat out tell him that this isn't working, list the changes you expect, and tell him if he can't get it together, you're out of there. Then, you don't have any reason to feel bad for leaving him... if you tell him ahead of time, "I need X, Y, and Z behaviors. These are important to us functioning well as a couple. If you do not do these, I will leave." - at that point, if he doesn't do them, he KNOWS that the consequence will be you leaving, so the decision is really his. If he keeps screwing up, he's basically saying, "Skipping work and playing video games are more important to me than my marriage" - in which case, there is no need for guilt from you.

Sorry if I got a bit carried away, I'm in a stressed place myself right now... hope this helps, but if not, feel free to toss it!

Good luck!