Hi Jane, this is something that is common with PTSD, anticipation anxiety. Most people would be anxious about starting new classes and meeting new people. The thing with PTSD is that normal concerns are magnified. Yes, you did get through your last courses but you encountered some challenges that were very stressful for you so it is no wonder you worry about what kind of challenges you will face this time.

Awareness is much higher with someone who struggles with PTSD and people who struggle with PTSD are not just more aware, but they are "hyper aware". Well, you are slowly learning about the situations that trigger and bother you and as you are learning to recognize them, you have also been learning new skills to handle them as you go forward. The thing to remember about your last experience is that you "did" work through it all and you actually did handle things quite well even though you struggle with PTSD which makes it more challenging emotionally in ways others don't always understand. You are trying to understand it all better too and yes that can be a lot of work.

The secret is to continue to talk yourself through these challenges, keep learning how to self sooth and self calm with the idea of finally developing new deep set skills to help yourself better regulate the anxiety verses allowing yourself to feed into it. Listen to the negative thoughts that come up and practice disengaging them to develop more positive thoughts instead. You actually "do" have a lot of positive things about you Jane, you really do and I have noticed that about you for some time now. When I read about your history and the different people you have had in your life, I have noticed that you have never had a chance to develop into a person who doesn't care when another person decides that you need to be what they want you to be or that you need to have a presentation they seem to think is desirable. I have noticed that you never really had someone just give you permission to have "your own" tastes and desires and feel that you are "deserving and entitled and respected" for your choices as well as your own emotional challenges.

Ok, with everything you have learned thus far, what have you noticed about others? Are they really "judging" you? Actually, if you really think about it, what others tend to show you is "their needs" and how "their needs" tend to supersede yours. For example, when you are around your mother, she consistently needs to put others off when they do not fit into whatever she deems "worthy". Well, you never realized how that had affected you, your sister never realized that either and what happens as a result is that both you and your sister are stressed out whenever your mother is around the two of you. That is part of your "core" challenge and a big part of how your "negative" thoughts develop. This is a common problem that many people have where they develop deep subconscious skills that work around people who are somehow dysfunctional they grow up with, or spend a long period of time with. It is every bit the same as learning how to tie shoes to a point where we can do it without even thinking about it.

People who struggle with what is called "complex" PTSD often feel like their personal history or subconscious is suddenly in complete disarray and they are extremely confused and don't even know how to explain it or even understand it themselves. So, whenever they face a day they don't have a sense of "self" like they used to have. It is as though they played a certain role in their lives that they learned how to play all their lives and all of a sudden that role is taken away and they have no idea why or what to do about it and there suddenly is no director there to explain it to them either. That is the "rescuer" that people who struggle look for.

When you need to vent or talk about whatever it is that challenges you Jane, what you need is the validation and reassurance that some of your "core skills" are fine and some of the concerns you have are normal and fine too. It is like getting used to wearing certain shoes to go certain places, getting to a point where you have those shoes lined up somewhere and you know automatically which ones you feel comfortable in for certain situations. Then, suddenly something bad happens and your shoes are missing and you can't find them or explain the importance of how different shoes fit into different situations for you and you "just" knew which ones to grab and it was no big deal. Also, you never really realized how each pair were so important to you either. As you face having "no" shoes or maybe only a few, you begin to have all these emotions about the ones that are missing and part of you feels like it is dumb and that you should not be so upset, part of you is angry that some of them are missing, and part of you stresses every time you have to go somewhere because the shoes you always "just" slipped into are not there now. You also are very taken back because you never realized how important those shoes were to you either.

What I am describing Jane is how our subconscious mind really works and how we "all" get used to things unique to ourselves that we don't really realize. Most people don't realize how much of them is somewhat "automatic" and how very little they use their conscious mind in their lives. When someone has PTSD and so many shoes are suddenly missing, they have to spend more time thinking things through and that actually over works and stresses the conscious mind, that is why "change" is always a challenge to people, any major change like moving, or getting a new car after driving one for years and "just" knowing where everything is, yes, change is always a challenge until our brain slowly settles into having a deep sense of whatever a "change" happens to be.

So, this is what you need to understand about "yourself" and in understanding that, it takes away a lot of the "charge" that you experience where you feel stress and don't quite understand "why". Also, as far as your mother is concerned, she has deep subconscious auto things about her too that she doesn't realize are causing stress to you and your sister or others that find her presence somewhat stressful. I am just using that as an example, you did have shoes for that but you lost them and now you are much more "aware" of how uncomfortable you are around her. It takes time to develop a new "just" app that you feel better about with a presence like her that you are comfortable with again and even in a healthier way too.

What you need to understand better is that not all of your deep skills were wrong or bad, you actually do have some good skills, you just need to slowly develop new deep set skills and make "gains" in your own personal way again. Yes, you had some challenges in your last session of classes, you were taken by surprise by some toxic behaviors, but you also had a chance to work through these challenges too and you "did" work your way past that challenge. You are not stupid Jane, you actually have some good skills and you "can" develop more and gradually embrace the positive again. Your goal is to continue to work on getting to a place where the people around you trigger you less and less because you are "gaining" to a point where you "know" you have healthy skills and you "are" gaining in the "positive" again. What you are doing now is developing "new" shoes that you can grab on to that fit "you" for different activities or things you choose to do again. Yes, it takes time to break them in, however as you keep slipping each pair on, you will make "gains" and get back into a better overall feeling about yourself too.

Jane, you have actually made some "good" choices. You have chosen to move forward, learn more so you can do "more or different" things in your life. That is "good and healthy" so you "do" have some important things about you that are "good" for you. You have actually made some healthy choices for yourself, you just have to slowly learn how to "embrace" them better and you "can" learn to do that.

OE