Thank you InACorner and Sabau2. I keep coming back and I am clinging on to your words. I am hanging on right now by a thread and I feel that the thread could break any minute. Yes, I am very scared. I did call a rape crisis center anonymously for support. I do not feel safe and I cannot pretend right now that I am. I used to be able to put on a mask of some degree to keep others out and not know what I was really feeling, but right now that is not possible. I could leave my body and allow another part of me to take over but I cannot do that right now. I knew what it was like to be abused as a child and hurt, but never as an adult. This has taken on a whole new meaning for me. I suddenly know what that child felt except, there is only me to take the pain and the reality of what happened. It has not been a week yet and it feels like an eternity. I am shaking as I write like I am cold. Sabau2, I did not mean to make you feel I feel pressured in any way to pm you. I wish I could. I wish I could reach out but I do not feel worthy nor do I feel I can, not because I feel pressure but because I am scared. I know that I am not the only person to ever have this happen to them, I just feel so raw and exposed. I come here all the time and I read and I wish I could allow myself to reach out to all of you. I do not warrent such and I do not want to waste anyone's time. Time is valuable. I cling to post that I read here and how I wish I could be strong and open. I have never felt like I could ask for others time but I wish I could. I so need someone right now. I have never felt this way before. I always felt from some other place in time that was very distant from me. But not this time. This is too close to my self. This was a violation on me that I was aware of and could do nothing about. I do not mean that to sound as thoughI had control as a child because I did not, but I dissociated so as a child to be able to make it through. But not this time. I was there, I did not leave myself to another part. I was trying so hard to protect them and the reality of what was happening to me froze me in fear like I have never felt or allowed myself to feel. I do not know if I am making any sense. I know what I am trying to say but somehow the words feel like they are jumbling up. I want so bad, I need so much to make sense. I need someone to hear me so much and I am so scared. I have never needed someone so much as I do right now. This is a new place that I have never been before. My words seem so distant from me and this place that I am seems so familiar yet so new. I am really trying to reach out and be open but this is very hard. But I keep pushing myself because if I do not I am afraid of losing myself. Please bare with me as I try so desperately to put words to something I have not done before. I do not want to be alone.