Hi TJ, I know this must all feel so hard but you are getting to doing so many right things in starting to lay the foundations to moving forward. So don't you forget that!!!
It might take time but you're certainly playing a part in trying to make things better for yourself.
What I'm seeing is:
You are keeping up with the journal;
You are taking your journal to show people what you've written;
You are admitting when you can that things aren't OK;
You are trying to take yourself away from the situation- by going to sit by he nurses station;
You are trying to distract yourself......when you need to;
You are trying to reach out to people when you're feeling.................
I know you're struggling to do these all the time, but it's progress, right?? And maybe you need a little more help in being able to do those things a bit more regularly??
And with that, and the feelings inc. mood swings you're going through, can you ask to see a doctor there??? And to see him/her sooner rather than later??
And you know, sorry, but got to agree with Momentofclarity about getting rid of the "dangerous items". Even people doing really well can fall if the urge is strong enough, and you are feeling kind of vulnerable right now, aren't you?? So you really don't want to risk increasing that vulnerability, do you??
And we certainly don't want that for you!!
Alison